stop trying to break me. i'm broken enough as it is. for once, i want to be happy. for me.
you make me feel so happy to be alive when you're like this. it's as though my heart could carry all of this pain and loneliness without complaints and still be happy. but then you ruin it with your distant words and blank stares.
i thought you would protect me... thought you would understand. you're the only person who could! who can. because your my older brother. you're supposed to (('cause isn't that what older brothers do?)). but as usual, you don't. you never do. just when i think you'll stand up for me, you'll side with mama. alwaysalwaysalways her.
why am i not surprised?
i'm just dessa. your little annoying sister who always has her nose buried in a book. the little sister who is awkward and naive and childish and dependent of everyone and everything around her. the little sister you never saw grow up ((and left behind)). the little sister who seems to always cause your precious mama's unhappiness and anger.
i'm just someone who you'll have to care of when mama and papa are old because it's what's expected of you. i'm just your responsibility. i'm just that. nothing more and nothing less.
and then i wonder: do you even try to see anything beyond that? do you really think that i'm content when mama and papa are always fighting? that i'm happy with being separated from our other family? that i'm okay with being alone? do you really think that i'm not hurting?
why can't you see, kuya? that this happy and optimistic and witty facade of mine is just a fake? why can't you see through it? there has been sososo many times when this mask of mine cracked in your presence!
one day, i hope you realize that cracking a stupid joke and giving me a hug isn't going to be enough. it's not going to be enough for me to forgive you. i can't always forgive you. i can't always be soft and innocent and hopeful, because i'm finally learning that it only leads to disappointments and sleepless nights. kuya, can't you see? i'm growing up. i've been growing up. you just closed your eyes too long.
((why are you like this? why are you ignoring me? why are you trying to break me? whywhywhywhywhy-))
hmmm, i think i should be okay now. soooo... just ignore me ((again)) and i'll be alright.
oh, and kuya? thanks for ruining christmas for me. :)
- you're the bestest. NO REALLY.