so, it's almost your birthday and you're turning another year older-
((just another year spent without us. another year of never getting the chance to know you.))
-and i lied awake all night wondering about you and questions-that-are-never-answered.
do you think about us?
do you know who i am?
you know that papa thinks about you constantly, right?
are you happy?
does seeing papa bring you anger and bitterness?
do you even want to meet me?
are you eating well these days?
have you ever cried about papa?
what things do you like to do?
what foods do you like to eat?
what makes you happy? makes you smile?
((do you hate me?))
every time i think of you, tears try to push their way out of me. my throat starts to feel constricted. and my heart aches and aches and aches. i cry about you a lot; usually when i feel lonely. i cry for you because you're my brother and you're not here and i don't know who you are.
i had your number saved in my old phone and there were so, so, so many times when i had the chance to call you and maybe finally hear your voice. but every time my thumb would press 'call', i became a coward and quickly shut my phone closed. but now i lost your number and i'm still a coward to ask ninong mike for it.
during sad times, when all i want is a tiny piece of happiness, i dream. i dream about big brothers and piggyback rides and grass stained sneakers and should-have-beens. i long for gentle hands weaving through my hair lulling me to sleep during a thunderstorm and disney movies on rainy days just 'cause you know i secretly love happily-ever-afters. and then after school, we'll go for ice-cream and sit underneath that tree you like and talk about hopes and dreams and warmth.
but then i wake up and all of that is shattered. i must go on by myself as always.
((dreams can come true, but you're not naive enough to believe such a childish lie.))
does that make me a bad person? to pretend as though you could be part of my life? and me, yours? to believe that there could have been a time when i would ask you about your day? or if you wanna go watch a movie? i want to be able to wish you goodnight and and make you laugh and take away any pain. is it wrong to want all of this?
so you're turning twenty-two and i don't know anything about you. although i hope you have dreams to chase and happiness to find, i also hope that you'll feel a little bit of sadness for the family we could have been.
maybe one day, i'll be able to smile and tell you hi. and maybe, just maybe, you'll smile back.
- i just wanted to say hi. :)