pitter patter~

raindrops fall gracefully from the stormy skies; close your eyes and make a wish

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and then you said, "FUCK YOU AND YOUR DAD!" well mama, guess what? i just don't care anymore. i give up. i give up on you.

you just make me so so so angry and frustrated and hurt and all of these other ugly emotions that i didn't even know i could possibly feel! why are you never content? why are you always so angry? what are you looking for? why do you love to see me hurt? to see me cry? how do we make you happy? how do i take away your anger? tell me, damnit!

it's not fair. it's not fair how you can throw a temper tantrum and scream profanities at me while i don't have the right to let out my frustrations. my anger. my sadness. my loneliness. you're not fair. why is everything not fair? why is it that rhyan and mina and janica get to go home and actually talk to their moms about life and everything that's complicated? why is it that their moms understand them? why is it that their moms never judge them? why are their moms so gentleunderstandingsweet? why does my heart ache when i think about this?

you're always spitting out the sacrifices and hardships you went through because of me. you're always saying how unappreciative i am. but i am. i tell you everyday in little ways. you just never cared enough to actually look for it. i don't tell you directly because you become so smug and arrogant and in-your-face. i don't think you even know what subtlety means.

the accusations you threw in my face the other day were complete bullshit and you know it. "always going out with friends", "always asking me to buy you things", "that's where you're good at! giving your attention to me when you need something!"

seriously? seriously? that's freaking bullshit! you know i rarely go out with friends! every time ella and gem ask  me to go out, i always decline 'cause i know you'll get all pissy and bitchy at me! do you know how many times i've went out with friends since sixth grade? eight times. so i don't understand what you're complaining about! all i do is read and read and read. most moms would tell their child to get fresh air! to hang out with friends! to be social and active! and you know what you do? you lock me inside the house! please let me have a life worth living for!

always asking you to buy me things? oh! you mean school supplies? things i need for track? well, gee! i'm sorry for wanting items that i use for school! that's entirely my fault! do hear the sarcasm in my voice? did i ever ask you to buy me a new phone like most teenage girls? did i ever ask you to buy me expensive and pretty clothes? when did i ever ask you for money? did i ever ask you for an expensive make-over or whatever? the things i ask you to buy for me is either something school related, food, or books!

i'm sorry i love to read. i'm sorry i like getting lost in a world where happiness is only a hundred pages away. i'm sorry i like pretending that i'm a character with freedom and dreams and all of the time in the world. i'm sorry that i like dreaming about a different life in a different world. i'm sorry i like losing myself where the stress and sadness i feel are not my own. i'm sorry i'm more like tita emma and mommy lot-lot and not like you. because truthfully, i don't want to be like you. i don't want to resemble even a small part of you because why would i want to be someone who is always looking for moremoremore and never looking past prejudices, anger, and vendettas? i don't want to resemble a person who let a piece of their happiness die. i'm sorry.

you always ignore me. not the other way around. you're never interested in the things i love. you always try to change my opinion on things to match your opinions and how you want me to see things. you never try to understand me; never tried to understand who i am and why i'm like this. every time i try talking to you about something you never pay attention. and yet you wonder why i never talk to you about anything.

i just want you to know that i'm tired of you. i've been tired of you ever since mommy died, ever since i had realized that you are the reason why i don't have a brother. kuya left because of you and your restrictions on life freedom. i could have had another kuya. i could have had someone else to call kuya. i could have had a kuya christopher who kept me content. i could have had a kuya christopher who made me smile and laugh. i could have had a kuya christopher to ease the constant ache in my chest. i could have had happiness if it weren't for you and your jealousy.

this entry could go on and on and on. and i still have an essay to write. so i'll end it here. hopefully you'll stop acting like an ignorant, spoiled child by the time next week ends. papa and i are tired and i know you're tired too. so at least try to act happy. please.

and you know what sucks, mama? this isn't our first fight and that there will always be more in the future. it never ends and you never grow up and i still end up cryi-hurting in the end. let me sleep forever.


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