i don't understand why, but i always get these dreams about something that happened in the past. last night was no different. it was about the day papa told me that kuya joseph's friend committed suicide.
i didn't even know him, but when i heard he killed himself my hands started shaking and the world became blurry and i couldn't feel anything but cool heat. apparently, he killed himself because he was always being compared to his older brother. his parents where always arguing. his family had too many problems. and so he chose to kill himself.
papa then started talking about how he took his life for stupid reasons. about how suicide was not the answer and that his problems could have been easily solved through talking with his family. about how not just his family was affected but his friends too. ((papa said that tita emma and kuya joseph were crying.)) i just nodded my head to show that i agreed with him through the whole conversation. i was just too numb to do anything. i felt like if i tried talking i would start crying. half an hour later, papa went out to go hit some golf balls at callaway.
while papa was out, i took my usual late afternoon shower. and that was when i finally broke down.
that boy killed himself because he felt like he wasn't loved, wasn't cherished. he felt like he didn't have an older brother to talk to. he hated how his parents are always fighting. there was no one he could turn to. no tried to understand. the emptiness in his heart was too much. he felt alone.
and then i remembered the day i was going to kill myself because of those same exact reasons. but that only made me cry harder. i don't know how long i sat there underneath the shower head, crying. remembering days full of nothing and sleepless nights. feelings of hollowness and abandonment and loneliness. thinking about the ache that never left my heart.
what am i doing wrong? what's wrong with me? when does this insanity end? why can't the memories leave me? why? why? why? whywhywhywhy?
i still can't get over the fact of how close i was to taking my own life. and now my heart is chanting, "i'll never go back to that. i'll never let myself be that far gone. never again."
god, i am just so tired.
- so close, so close