pitter patter~

raindrops fall gracefully from the stormy skies; close your eyes and make a wish

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did you try to forget?

you can try to forget and forget and forget but...

11-27-09 9:39 pm
never forget. i can't forget the fact that he can always hurt me at any given time. i cannot be fooled by his kind smiles and gentle words because i'll only get hurt. i'm stupid. i fell for it again and now i have to recover from his merciless blow. will i ever learn, brother? i might not if i continue at this pitiful rate.

02-16-10 4:36 pm
mrs. huxford and her katie and 2012. she loves her daughter. a lot.

02-19-10 9:57 pm
i can't let her cruel, immature words get to me. it doesn't matter i'm not pretty, as long as i am hardworking and compassionate, i should be alright. i don't care about what she thinks. i don't. i only care about papa and his quiet support and kind pats on the head. i don't care about anything else.

((but why is my heart aching? why do i still want someone to hold me? why am i hoping that someday, someone will love me too? why?))

03-04-10 9:11 pm
...is she serious? is she freaking serious? what the hell do i look like to her? how dare she accuse me of doing something so inappropriate, so mindless! something so disgusting indecent. is she really my mother? shouldn't mothers know these things? didn't she raise me with class and decency and respect?

isn't she supposed to know her daughter like the back of her hand?

03-06-10 6:21 pm
i don't want to be a burden. i don't. idon'tidon'tidon'tidon------

03-07-10 1:54 pm
i know it's immature and foolish of me but... HAHAHAHA. papa called you an asshole. i've got to say, this made my day.

03-07-10 6:59 pm
don't talk to me like that! do not tell me things you would say to appease a child. for now i will let loose of my tears alone. ((because i'm still hoping that someday, someday, there will be someone to wipe them away for me))

03-11-10 5:53 pm
i hate disappointments. too bad you're always one,  ne kuya? you never failed to be my greatest one.

03-23-10 10:33 pm
the gentle 'thump-thump' of my tears falling is soothing tonight. it's something that will always be there. comfort through tears. but i can't breathe.

and then i realize that kuya is like the deep breaths i take that don't bring air. i'm suffocating.

03-28-10 6:27 pm
i went to borders with kuya and the cousins today. kuya and i were at the cards section when he asked me which artwork design caught his eye. i didn't know what to answer, so i pointed to him the one i secretly adored: the beautiful painting of a cherry blossom tree all in soft hues of water colors. he nods his head and smiles softly.

i don't know why, but this memory is something i'll never forget. not cherish. no, never cherish.

03-29-10 10:44 am
kuya was never mine to begin with. even a small part of him could never be mine. this realization will never be a surprise. water brings life, sunlight gives warmth, the sky is blue, kuya was never mine.

03-31-10 8:42 pm
kuya joseph has been hanging out with me and the cousins a lot lately. sometimes i wonder if it's because of---

04-01-10 5:42 am
so i can be happy. spending time with my cousins makes me unbelievable happy. i haven't cried in a whole week! not since they arrived to my piano recital.

but now mama is bitching at me, and the tears that are escaping are finding their way down my cheeks during the ride home to vegas. these tears are so unfamiliar, it's scary 'cause i always cry. i'm used to this kind of treatment. but that doesn't stop the hollowness from clawing at my chest.

my hair falls over my eyes, the darkness shielding me from the world once again.

04-01-10 9:13 pm
i'll never understand the nights when i'lll wake up crying and my breathing heavy. i can never remember what i was dreaming about; what it was in my dream that frightened me horribly. was it a terrible, bloody nightmare filled with screams and the reek of death? or was it just another unreachable, bittersweet dream of soft kisses and warm, warm hands? sometimes these dreams are what terrifies me the most. that unattainable, faraway dream that will never leave the crevices of mind.

04-03-10 5:39 pm
it's only been a day since the relatives are gone and i feel like i'm suffocating from the emptiness of our house. has our home always been this empty?

today papa and i shared a tangerine like we always do. and maybe this is all i'll ever need.

04-08-10 8:27 pm
well, this is the last time i'll ever mention summer school to mama. even if it is for an extra elective.  although, sometimes i do wonder if she ever thinks about the hateful words that she nonchalantly lets loose from her stupid mouth. ever heard of thinking before your actions, oh dear mama?

04-09-10 10:13 pm
so i'm going to let myself wallow and weep in self pity like a coward? i disgust myself.

04-11-10 4:21 pm
i can hear the sound of the wind from my opened window. a single wish on an eyelash. i close my eyes and blow. will the wind carry my wish to you?

04-16-10 5:35 pm
it's okay, i don't care about you either.

((and is that the reason why my heart is aching?))

04-18-10 3:13 pm
just a few more months and i'll be able to breathe again. just two more months and i'll be okay. i promise.

04-24-10 2:36 am
my hands are cold tonight. i want him to blame himself. but then again, i'd never allow him to even find out about me. nevernevernever. because he doesn't deserve to. he'll never deserve to. not yet, at least.

04-26-10 4:23 pm
Mad by Neyo = sunny afternoons at nanay's house playing card games with the cousins. i am not bothered by the sticky sweat clinging to my back and neck. not when i'm surrounded by their laughter.

can you taste the sweetness of my happiness?

04-29-10 3:12 pm
i'm more than that, kuya. i'm more than that! how dare you just assume things like that! you don't know me. i don't want you to know me. you don't deserve to! especially if this is how you see me. i hatehatehate it when you ruin any progress we've made with a stupid sentence or a blank look. i hate it.

05-03-10 2:02 am
my voice is still gone and the soreness of my throat is killing me. but i'm starting to appreciate the attention and worry i'm getting. for once, i am going to be selfish and enjoy it without any guilt.

05-06-10 4:58 pm
mama and papa bought me frozen yogurt while we were at the mall today. all because my wonderful kuya said that it would soothe my throat. and of course they obliged. of course. 'cause you know, when i mentioned it to them, they scolded me and told me that it would only worsen my sore throat and i'll lose my voice even longer. but when kuya says it once, they listen. of course, why wouldn't they?

after buying me my stupid yogurt, they left me at the food court to go look around at jc penny. i watched the people that go by while eating. many were laughing. some were giving each other piggyback rides. others are surrounded by their friends. eating frozen yogurt alone at the mall is stupid and sad.

i threw away the half-filled cup and waited.

05-11-10 7:48 pm
today is our spring orchestra concert. my last concert in junior high. and papa decided he didn't want to come. he said he wanted to sleep, even though it's his day-off today and tomorrow. i avoided looking at my stand partner who kept waving at her family from the bleachers.

05-16-10 8:59 pm
our orchestra spent the whole day at knottsberry farm yesterday. we scored a superior at festival and hanging out with my orchadorks was really fun. the sleep going back home was horrible though. i didn't want to open my eyes in case that every pleasant feeling i've had the past few days were all a dream.

05-25-10 4:42 pm
talking to my piano teacher is always a treat. i love how we always spend the first twenty minutes of class just talking about books, essays, movies, and modern society. it's a great feeling when you realize that there are adults out there who are willing to listen to children like me. without the yelling and the scolding, of course.

it's refreshing.

05-24-10 10:49 pm
why can't you see me? why am i never enough? why?

05-27-10 0:02 pm
where did those sunshine days go? where did you go?

06-01-10 11:04 am
today is the last day of school. majority of my friends are going to liberty or a magnet school. and i'm not ready to let go yet. the memories, the laughs, the playful arguments, even the inside jokes. these are the reasons why i'm still clinging onto the belief that i'll find happiness too. that there are reasons to live. and i can't let go. no, not yet.

06-04-10 1:02 am
why is it so easy to talk to you? what are you doing to me?

06-04-10 2:40 pm
growing up has always been a competition. problem is that i don't want to grow up but it's happening. god, why is this happening?

06-04-10 4:20 pm
i'm so tired.

06-07-10 3:12 am
i'm being replaced. i wasn't even given the chance to try, to hope. and now, it's gone. itsgoneitsgoneitsgone and you're gone.

but were you ever even there?

06-10-10 7:09 pm
it's windy and it's the perfect day to make an eyelash wish.

...but i feel like my wish is too heavy for something so light.

06-11-10 1:13 am
this hollowness makes me feel like it will swallow me whole. something is missing and i don't know what. are you ever going to change? for me?

06-13-10 4:01 am
but these aren't nightmares. these dreams are my frustrations and emptiness and unanswered questions and i wake up just feeling so angry everything and everyone and everything is wrong and there are these stupid tears falling down angrily from eyes and why won't they stop-

these dreams aren't nightmares.

06-16-10 10:58 pm
and i always caught the moments when he wasn't.

06-21-10 3:26 pm
why do i keep comparing them to one another? they're both my kuyas but-

why is it like this? why do you let him get away with everything?

06-23-10 5:22 pm
why do you dislike him so much, mama?

06-27-10 11:24 pm
it makes my gut twist when you look at me with that gentle look in your eyes because i never saw that look in his eyes. i guess i never earned it, ne?

07-13-10 11:28 pm
her letter to you leaves me blinking hard against the resurfacing  insecurities.

i'll remember this day; this feeling of horrible jealousy. it will never go away and i'll never be enough.

...the memories will never leave you.

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